Sunday Night

It’s officially Sunday night. I haven’t had a REAL Sunday night in 14 months. We all know that feeling. That rock in your gut that tells you that the easiness of the weekend with its lack of schedules (mostly) and lack of rules (mostly) is over, and you’re just one sleep away from early mornings, long-ass commutes, hurried meal preps, and everything else that comes with being a mom with a job. Yes, being a mom is a job all on its own, and a hard one, but now I have a second job too. This one pays better and has better hours. So I’m a mom with a second job. Again.

Let me back up a bit …

Last June, June 15th to be precise, I quit my job. More than that, I quit working. Period. Full stop. DONE.

I loved my job, and after 20 years of doing it (minus a maternity leave or three) I was good at it, but circumstances made me love it less, and that made me unhappy. So finally, with my husband cheering me on, I handed in my letter of resignation, and adiós-ed myself out of there. We decided that I was taking the summer off, maybe longer.

I admit that the first couple of months were euphoric. Life for everyone was so much easier with me at home. The kids were soon on summer break and we were busy sleeping in, going to the beach, stuffing our faces, and even doing the horrible crafting. I LOVE having my kids home. Yes, they make me question my sanity on the daily. Yes, the youngest two have me hiding in the basement, close to where the wine and chips are, but still I dread the first day of school more than they do. I hold it together for appearances sake of course. I take the requisite 1st day photos, I tease them about which teachers they’re going to get, I threaten them with mama’s wrath should they pull any crap at school, I meet their teachers, and kiss the younger two goodbye (I might get a hug from the oldest) and then I get in my car and cry like a kindergarten mom. Every year.

Last September hit me the hardest. I wasn’t dropping them off and going to work, I was going home. Alone. At first I kept busy, spurred on by that September energy and the idea that I would have some time to work on me, and find my dream job. The truth was that every job listing I saw, every notification from LinkedIn, every call from a headhunter would make me nervous. Did I still love it? Am I good at it? Was I ready to go back? I was questioning it all and I had been for a long time.

I didn’t get the name Impatient Mama for nothing. While patience may be a virtue, impatience gets shit done. I have always been in a rush to get from where I am to where I’m going. Only now I didn’t know where I was going. For the first time in my life I didn’t know what was next and I was scared. Layered on top of that was our family’s new financial reality, and I was truly struggling.

Then early in the new year a friend invited me to a yoga class with her. On a whim I signed up for 10 classes and somewhere in those 5 weeks things started to slowly shift. I thought the classes would allow me to spend some time with my friend and maybe distract me a little. I was intimidated at first. There were some really bendy people in those classes, but the instructors kept reminding me that it was my practice, that all I had to do was listen to my body, that every pose was a conversation between my mind and muscles and my breath. It sounds so cheesy, even as I write this, but I couldn’t listen to my body if I couldn’t make my mind be quiet. I couldn’t listen to my intuition if I couldn’t get my critical self to stfu either. I’m still not great at it, but those quiet moments led me to start this blog, to bring Impatient Mama to life and to finally answer the questions: Do I still love it? Am I good at it? Am I ready to go back?

I do.

I am.

I’m ready.

I don’t think I can express in words how grateful I am for that friend, and for all the people in my life that walked along with me this last year. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Even though I'm back at work, Impatient Mama isn't going anywhere. I promise to keep blogging and keep making and baking. I'll post a new recipe soon.

Now I need to get some sleep. I’ve got a big day tomorrow.